It is very rare to use my phone at work for actual phone calls, but I was keeping it close in case the doctor called with news of my biopsy from last week. I got the call while in a lunch meeting so I excused myself to answer it. I really truly thought it was going to be good news. Unfortunately it was not. I just burst into tears. It was not something I expected from myself at work. Luckily I work with a great team who took over my next class for me.
My first call was to my husband, which was difficult because it is hard to understand someone over the phone when they are sobbing. It was a phone call very reminiscent of a year ago on my ride back from Grand Rapids after the initial appointment with the oncologist. I left work, drove to see my boys and just hugged them tight and cried, a lot. Then they both really woke up and I couldn't cry any more. My boys needed me to play with them. So I did.
I have so many emotions right now. I am thankful to be alive, but I am also angry. Extremely angry. I am angry that more time will have to be taken from my family to have to fight this disease. I am angry that I will have to rely so heavily on my mom and dad again. I should be taking care of them at this point in life, not the other way around. I am angry that my husband will be having to deal with a sick wife and toddlers. I had finally gotten to the point that I was making plans for my life. I have been working out again and trying to get to a healthy weight. I have plans for this summer, for the next school year, just life in general. Now all those are up in the air.
I don't know what the next step will be at this point. Will it be more chemo? Will I be losing my hair again? Kind of okay with that, my hair looks bad right now. Will the pain be as bad as the first treatments? Those were pretty bad. The second treatments were not as bad. Will it cause more pain in my bones? My bones hurt so badly right now that moving is painful. I can't imagine it getting worse. Will I have to do surgery again and not be able to lift my boys? Will none of this medicine work? Will my boys have actual memories of me, or will I be just a picture in a frame?
I am not giving up. I will continue to fight this crap disease. I am just angry and upset and I want to enjoy my life again.